Needy

Recently, I've been learning all about enneagrams. The enneagram is basically a personality assessment that helps determine personality type, strengths, weaknesses, and how to become the best version of ones' self through self-reflection, self-care, and improvement. 

If there's one thing I've heard my whole damn life, it's that I'm independent and yet somehow also really needy. This juxtaposition of two extremes has made some question my mental health. While I'm not saying that I am guaranteed mentally healthy (undiagnosed depression and anxiety?), I'm mostly referring to the fact that my personality type is seen as one that does tend to deal in extremes emotionally. Learning about my personality type is the first time that I've felt truly understood, honestly. The following is a description I found on enneagramworldwide.com: 

     "As feeling types, Fours have an intense emotional life, which can lead to big ups and downs. They alternate between striving to win recognition from others and going deeply into their interior worlds. As romantic idealists, they seek a personal and meaningful connection to their work and others. But when things do not measure up, they easily become disappointed and tend to withdraw. On the other hand, when they are excited, anxious or full of feelings, they tend to “spill out” into their environment." 

This probably is the most accurate description of myself and my emotions that I have found. As a Four, it is actually really hard for me to understand myself sometimes. My emotions come on very strongly, and can leave just as fast. Sometimes it feels like a tornado has gone through my brain, and I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces.

Up until recently, I definitely felt like something was WRONG with me. This was exacerbated by the way I have been treated throughout my life. I have been dismissed, not given quality time, and had my feelings invalidated. In some cases I’ve even had a friend or partner that was nearly devoid of emotional capabilities, or unable to “handle” me. Learning about my enneagram has helped me to start to view my emotions as a positive personality trait. I love fiercely and am a very loyal friend. The people who value me know and love me for who I am. I know that for some I can still be “a lot”, but the truth is a little effort goes a long way. 

I will legitimately do ALMOST ANYTHING for the people I love, giving many chances, until I feel that I am not receiving any reciprocation whatsoever. If you care about me at all, don't let it get to this point, because it's the point of no return. If I feel severely neglected, I will not hesitate to sever ties, even if I care deeply for the person or people in question. It sucks. I often wonder if I will be able to find someone who will embrace all that I am as a person. So far I’ve found a few wonderful friends, but no romantic partner. At this point in my life, I would rather be alone than to not be valued and understood. 

Also from enneagramworldwide, here are some some helpful tips on how to have a better relationship with a type Four:   

• Appreciate their emotional sensitivity, creativity and idealism.
• Reveal your own feelings and reactions; avoid being overly rational.
• When they are upset, don’t take everything they say too literally since they may be expressing a momentary feeling.
• Return to the present and be positive while acknowledging their experience of what is missing.
• Seek to understand and empathize without necessarily agreeing.

I would like to add a few specific ones from my personal experience: 

• Don't tell me to calm down. (this applies to all humans, really, but it especially makes me feel like what I'm feeling isn't acceptable or validated)
• If you see an aspect of my personality that you enjoy, please tell me. I much prefer compliments about my inner self, and it makes me feel seen.
• Don't try and change how I am emotionally. Make efforts to meet me where I am. I’m learning, growing, and trying to be the best version of myself.  

It's been a really long, sorta crazy road so far in my adulthood. I'm turning thirty in a few weeks, and I feel like I'm starting to understand myself. Hopefully this post sheds some light on the inner workings of my brain. I am not needy; I have emotional needs. It's okay to be who I am. There's a lot of work to be done, but I'm up to it. Thank you for reading. 

with love,

Mari