hard things
I would like to preface this post with a separate thought entirely.
I don't feel like myself at all when I don't write. I feel like everything becomes so jumbled in my head; all the thoughts clamoring for attention waiting to be typed out. It's kind of exhausting in a way. I have too many thoughts and I can't sort it all out. Eventually, I have to fight through this to get somewhere. I can't just sit with all of it inside my brain anymore. This post is that: trying to sort through a years' worth of jumbled-ness. Try and follow along if you can, I'm not even sure I'll be able to.
Something that has been weighing on me lately is the sense that everyone I associate myself with is just barely scratching the surface of knowing me. All of the social media and technology creates a false sense of connectedness in a lonely reality. Too often I see expressions of sadness and depression on social media, and I don't reach out. I keep scrolling to see someone's hilarious meme and put it in the back of my head. Too often I hear of someone who has taken their own life and wonder to myself, "Is there anything I could have done?". Someone felt so alone that they didn't want to exist anymore. And we keep taking selfies and sending them through 9 filters to get a "like". We are all screaming "VALIDATE ME!" into the void.
I spend hours a week at my jobs with the same people or after work with friends and coworkers who only really know the surface of who I am as a person. I am the same with them; together but completely unaware of the depths of the individuals I spend my time with.
This has really started to bother me. Why is it this way? Why is there no real connection? Can anything be done? Can't we be allies in this terrifying thing called life?
Well, the answer is always yes. Something can always be done in any hard situation, but the battle may be uphill from the start. To establish a connection there has to be a desire for one. Maybe the people I choose to surround myself with don't want to be connected. It's sometimes easier to pretend everything is fine if you don't have to divulge any sensitive information. Maybe they don't have any desire to get to know ME on a deeper level.
It's possible I'm the only one feeling disconnected. A lack of communication could be at fault. If I were willing to step forward and say, "Hey I'd really like to get to know you better.", things could be different. The truth is, I am afraid of rejection. I don't want to reach out and have someone tell me they don't really care to know my struggles, what makes me tick, or anything under the surface. Just like romantic relationships, platonic friendships can be full of landmines.
****I guess I should probably mention that not everyone I know is in this "casual acquaintance" category. I do have some really good friends. I don't mean to offend any of my friends with this post. I am merely stating some observations that I have been making recently. ****
I want to make a change.
Starting now I want to make a real effort to be more intentional in my interactions with others in my life. I want to try and dig deeper into who these people are, and open myself up to a different level of communication. If I fail, then I fail. I can live with trying and failing, I can't live with not trying. I believe that a significant reason for living is to be in community with others, to have others to share our joys and sorrows with, and to improve the wellbeing of our fellow humans. I have failed in this, in many ways, letting the seduction of superficial validation take its toll. But in the end, this superficial approval is empty and leaves me lonely. I can no longer accept this as my reality.
If I start asking questions, paying more attention, and being intentional as a friend, it may feel really weird at first. I might creep out a few people with my sudden interest in their lives. I may burn a few friendship bridges by being too personal or strange. I may find out I have nothing in common with my associates. These are all risks I have to be willing to take. I seek community and acceptance. I seek deeper acceptance and understanding. Screaming into the void is not enough. I SEE YOU. SEE ME.
I don't feel like myself at all when I don't write. I feel like everything becomes so jumbled in my head; all the thoughts clamoring for attention waiting to be typed out. It's kind of exhausting in a way. I have too many thoughts and I can't sort it all out. Eventually, I have to fight through this to get somewhere. I can't just sit with all of it inside my brain anymore. This post is that: trying to sort through a years' worth of jumbled-ness. Try and follow along if you can, I'm not even sure I'll be able to.
Something that has been weighing on me lately is the sense that everyone I associate myself with is just barely scratching the surface of knowing me. All of the social media and technology creates a false sense of connectedness in a lonely reality. Too often I see expressions of sadness and depression on social media, and I don't reach out. I keep scrolling to see someone's hilarious meme and put it in the back of my head. Too often I hear of someone who has taken their own life and wonder to myself, "Is there anything I could have done?". Someone felt so alone that they didn't want to exist anymore. And we keep taking selfies and sending them through 9 filters to get a "like". We are all screaming "VALIDATE ME!" into the void.
I spend hours a week at my jobs with the same people or after work with friends and coworkers who only really know the surface of who I am as a person. I am the same with them; together but completely unaware of the depths of the individuals I spend my time with.
This has really started to bother me. Why is it this way? Why is there no real connection? Can anything be done? Can't we be allies in this terrifying thing called life?
Well, the answer is always yes. Something can always be done in any hard situation, but the battle may be uphill from the start. To establish a connection there has to be a desire for one. Maybe the people I choose to surround myself with don't want to be connected. It's sometimes easier to pretend everything is fine if you don't have to divulge any sensitive information. Maybe they don't have any desire to get to know ME on a deeper level.
It's possible I'm the only one feeling disconnected. A lack of communication could be at fault. If I were willing to step forward and say, "Hey I'd really like to get to know you better.", things could be different. The truth is, I am afraid of rejection. I don't want to reach out and have someone tell me they don't really care to know my struggles, what makes me tick, or anything under the surface. Just like romantic relationships, platonic friendships can be full of landmines.
****I guess I should probably mention that not everyone I know is in this "casual acquaintance" category. I do have some really good friends. I don't mean to offend any of my friends with this post. I am merely stating some observations that I have been making recently. ****
I want to make a change.
Starting now I want to make a real effort to be more intentional in my interactions with others in my life. I want to try and dig deeper into who these people are, and open myself up to a different level of communication. If I fail, then I fail. I can live with trying and failing, I can't live with not trying. I believe that a significant reason for living is to be in community with others, to have others to share our joys and sorrows with, and to improve the wellbeing of our fellow humans. I have failed in this, in many ways, letting the seduction of superficial validation take its toll. But in the end, this superficial approval is empty and leaves me lonely. I can no longer accept this as my reality.
If I start asking questions, paying more attention, and being intentional as a friend, it may feel really weird at first. I might creep out a few people with my sudden interest in their lives. I may burn a few friendship bridges by being too personal or strange. I may find out I have nothing in common with my associates. These are all risks I have to be willing to take. I seek community and acceptance. I seek deeper acceptance and understanding. Screaming into the void is not enough. I SEE YOU. SEE ME.
Happy to see you writing again. You have always been gifted with words/writing.
ReplyDeletexx - Aleks