Wallflower Journey

Recently, I've been learning all about enneagrams. The enneagram is basically a personality assessment that helps determine personality type, strengths, weaknesses, and how to become the best version of ones' self through self-reflection, self-care, and improvement.  If there's one thing I've heard my whole damn life, it's that I'm independent and yet somehow also really needy. This juxtaposition of two extremes has made some question my mental health. While I'm not saying that I am guaranteed mentally healthy (undiagnosed depression and anxiety?), I'm mostly referring to the fact that my personality type is seen as one that does tend to deal in extremes emotionally. Learning about my personality type is the first time that I've felt truly understood, honestly. The following is a description I found on enneagramworldwide.com:       " As feeling types, Fours have an intense emotional life, which can lead to big ups and downs. They altern

   Tonight, while I should have been sleeping, I watched a movie called Beautiful Boy. It chronicles a father and son's journey through the son's meth addiction, recovery, relapse. At the end of the movie, the son is alive by some miracle and it turns out the movie is based on a true story. The real Nic is sober 8 years, taking it day by day. I found myself crying at the end of the film, not because i can relate to that particular addiction,or even out of empathy, but because I realized that I'm an addict, too. I'm addicted to unworthiness. I'm lucky in a lot of ways. I hope that if anyone reads this they won't think I'm equating the severity of drug addiction to my current circumstance. That is to say, I understand how serious that drug addiction is. I guess for me, I see unworthiness as a different sort of serious issue. It can seep through into the soul. I don't know how this all started. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel this